I’ve always thought of myself as being a person of values and conviction. Whenever I would read stories about people who kept their mouths shut when they should have spoken up, or didn’t save somebody when they had the opportunity, I always said That will never be me. Well, for the past couple months that has been me, and it has been a weight on my shoulders. I work at a preschool where I see some things take place that should never take place inside a preschool. I’m not talking about sexual abuse or something of that nature, but the things I’ve seen definitely have the potential to damage the children I work with. Since I’ve been in and out of work for a while since graduating college, having finally found a stable job that i enjoy makes it difficult to persuade myself to put my job on the line to speak up.
While one voice inside me says I’m not doing enough to protect these children, the other voice says if I’m not there with them, they’re left alone with these other teachers and no real refuge or happiness to their day. Today, after whitnessing repeated name-calling and verbal threats by a teacher I work with, I finally broke down and spoke to another coworker about how I couldn’t handle it anymore. I was this close to walking out and not coming back. I had to talk to management. I had to say something. Instead, she sent me to a link between upper management and our facility, saying he could explain why this is allowed to go on and why these women still have their jobs.
Basically what it all came down to was office politics. Favoritism. And that if I spoke with management at the best nothing would be done, and at the worst, it would backfire and I’d become a target. He also hinted that he was taking steps behind the scenes to figure out a way to stop this kind of crap from going on, which was slightly reassuring. He also told me to start keeping a written record of incidents I had seen and that if I was approached about going behind management’s back, that I could say that he told me to.
In the end I breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn’t what I hoped for, but it gave me a reason to stay at my job, at least until I find a better one more suited to my degree. I can’t fight the system from the outside, and I can’t protect the children from the outside. Quitting so that I wouldn’t have to witness these things would be selfish and I have an obligation to make a difference when I can. Still. I’m glad that I finally had the nerve to speak up to somebody. And I’m glad that I potentially have the ability to have a positive impact because of it. But it’s stressful. TGIF….
This morning was the second day I woke up at 7am (okay, 7:15, but still an hour earlier than normal). But it was the first day I didn’t actually have a reason to. Monday I had a development seminar for work that began at 8am, so I had to be up early. Normally, work starts at 9am, and I wake up at 8am, shower if I feel like it, and rush around trying to find a comfortable outfit and get ready for the day ahead. I decided to make waking up at 7am my first “goal of the week” because waking up early is something I’ve wanted to train myself to do for some time now. My body usually only requests 7.5 hours of sleep from me, but I tend to be so cozy that I reason my way back to sleep and wake up groggy. I also tend to get more accomplished when I wake up early. By the end of a day of chasing loving and scolding my preschoolers, simple things like running to the post office or throwing a load of laundry in the wash seem overwhelming. Couple that with my love of reading, writing, cooking, crocheting, and fitting in something that resembles a social live, and it’s hard to stay both fulfilled AND get shit done. How parents of small children do it, I can’t even speculate. Adderall focuses me and gives me a bit of an energy boost, but like caffiene, if I take it more often than a few days in a a row, it tends to trigger panic attacks (random episodes of unbearable panic - not stress induced…) So it helps, but I use it sparingly - usually only on week days. (If anybody has any suggestions for natural energy boosters [besides Vitamin B#] feel free to share them with me!) But anyway, I rolled out of bed with 2 hours or so to spare. I showered AND shaved, dressed nicely, did a bit of internet surfing, cooked and ate some hot breakfast, and made it to the post office before work. And it really felt great. It’s something I’d like to keep up on. Days when I don’t have to stop at the post office before work might be a bit more difficult, because sleep is so inviting, but I’d like to start up an RSS feed of my favorite journalists and read that in the mornings over breakfast, or go sit at a coffee shop and do some writing or reading before heading into work. Just get a clear and positive start to my day and really prepare myself to seize it.
I think this week I’ll invest in some salt substitutes and try going without adding sodium to my food for next week’s goal….
I have so much crap.
Like, tons, people. Really.
To the point that I’m not sure if I’m trying to be a million people (and cater to each of their many whims) all at once, or if I’m just so terrible at deciding what aspect of myself to showcase on any given day that I need to be prepared for any possible outcome. Or I just really have a serious addiction to consumption. But that would imply that what I purchase actually gets used. And that is definitely not the case.
I have cameras that I only use rarely now, oil paints that are still sealed in their box, and jewelry notions and projects that I sell to raise money for charity, but also to fund my spending habits, which border on that of a 14 year old with full and uninhibited access to Daddy Warbuck’s credit card.
Spending money makes me feel happy because it makes me feel like I’m improving some aspect of my life, which is why I’ve invested even more money into a personal journal which I intend to use to fully investigate and define who I truly am and where my priorities actually lie. Because let’s be honest, six different perfumes, a bonsai tree, and an iPhone say very little about me outside of I am an impulse buyer easily swayed by a desire to create the( false) impression that I lead an intellectual lifestyle; which is either totally inaccurate or embarrassingly dead on.
I used to be an artist. I wasn’t an awe-inspiring aesthetic prodigy by any means, but I had the soul of a wanderer and a talent for finding the beauty in things. In white ink braille, hardly noticeable, I have tattooed on my wrist the word “happiness” as a symbol for the saying “Happiness writes white.” Which is to say, when things are going well I write for nobody but me. But my connection and communication with other people has always been through the formation of words on pages, and I’ve never had much desire to write solely for myself. It’s not that I’ve wanted recognition, but I’ve wanted to open more of a dialogue than what currently exists about pretty much every intellectual topic ever. I have no desire to write white, and so I’ve never had much desire to seek out pretty and perfect things. The drama and lunacy of politics has always appealed to me, as has the wrecked shells of abandoned schoolhouses and the empty rooms in vacant, decrepit homes. But in establishing myself as a functioning member of society with hopes of a career and family in the future (such stereotypical dreams) I fell prey to the rest of society’s norms.. Overspending, fashion, sex. I see other girls who survived the transition and they are beautiful. They sit at typewriters with ice tea in mason jars, and run wild with messy hair„ glow so real in their portraits, and speak in poetry. And I fight with who I’ve become, and how that should have been me. That still is me, under the make-up and diets and receipts. Under all this clutter, I know I’ve got that glow too.
But fuck. I have SO. MUCH. CRAP.
Maybe it’s time to throw some of my recklessness into the Goodwill bin….
Perhaps this weekend. Somebody remind me.
Hi. My name is REX and I suck at alot of things.
This is a list of things that I suck at:
Staying awake in class
Finding stable relationships
This is a list of things I’m really good at:
Lounging in bras and sweatpants
Finding unstable relationships
Eating. Everything. ALL THE TIME
So, for the New Year I decided to do right by myself by making a fresh start. I began by letting go of people that weren’t enthusiastic about being a part of my life (all those ex boyfriends I was stalking) (except that one I really really like).
I had plans to put a budget in place, and to start planning my meals and eating healthy. For Christmas back in 2010, my dad aka Santa, purchased for me The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. My 2011 Christmas present to him was to start reading it. Which I did. Starting January 1st, 2012. I’m ready to change something besides pants that were urinated on during naptime (I’m a preschool teacher - bodily fluids are going to be a common theme in my writing so get used to it now) and changing my spending habits and getting rid of my debt is honestly the best gift I can give to my father (who only wants to go to the grave knowing that I’m not going to become a prostitute if my car breaks down). It’s also one of the best gifts I can give myself.
So I started on the track by beginning to save (the wrong way, of course). I planned my budget and downloaded somecute printable envelopes which I will carry my budgeted allotment of cash for food, spending, and fuel in.
I was doing really good until I discovered that my University offers students a spending account which can be used to purchase school supplies from the bookstore, tax free. The spending limit for the account is $1000, and after filing bankruptcy at age 19, this is the closest I’ll get to a credit card for another year or two.
So I bought an IPad, and a keyboard, which I am now using to type this.
And while I realize now that I have a spending problem, I am not about to go returning it. What kind of punishment would that be? I should have to sit here and suffer through staring at my personal failure day after day until it’s payed off, right? Probably not, but like I said, I suck. I’m ashamed.
So this blog will be a diary of my failures. And also, when I have them, my successes. I’ll share my goals, my plans, my lessons, and all the intimate details of my life, and I hope that you’ll share yours with me as well. Lord knows I need all the help I can get, and chances are that if you’re taking the time to read about somebody like me who has the tendency to not be good at life stuff, you need some help too. No offense. I still love you.